I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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