So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
