Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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