Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We need to get me chipped asap
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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