if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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