i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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