Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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