It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
