fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
