Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
