I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
