I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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