She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
