Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
