Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
