you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
