If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
