Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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