News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
