That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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