my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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