God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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