Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
