I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.