There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
