Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
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I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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