There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
