if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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