mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
