yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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