i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
