You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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