Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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