I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
