My liver just broke up with me...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
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