i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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