She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
