1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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