Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
