Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
