considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
