I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There r osticjed everywhere
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
