Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
this boner is exhausting
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
