I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
