Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
