Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
