So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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