I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
