thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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