Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
