based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
