I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
