i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
