Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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