i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
