yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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