hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
