I cockslap morals
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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