I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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