How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
