I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
