Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
